April 30, 2010

DJ Gallo had this offseason missive on ESPN.com:

“The NFL draft is over. Congratulations to Mr. Irrelevant and also to all 253 Mr. Relevants.
But with that off the calendar, I think the next thing every football fan in America is eagerly anticipating is … this week’s edition of the Pigskinpalooza! YAY!
So let’s begin.


University of Washington president Mark A. Emmert has been named the new president of the NCAA. Reportedly there were nearly 100 candidates at first,
then the list was whittled to 32 and then to just a handful. Huh. It almost sounds like a … tournament or something. And the NCAA … that has football, right?
Huh. Might be an idea there for you, Mr. Emmert.

The Raiders will reportedly cut JaMarcus Russell at any moment. And …. okay, I’m now getting breaking news … yes. The Raiders are cutting JaMarcus
Russell right now. Let’s go to a live picture at the scene.

The Redskins have signed Joey Galloway to a one-year deal. Galloway is 38-years-old. In 2008 he had 13 catches for 138 yards. Last year he had 7 catches for 67 yards. It’s a curious signing. But not if you’re the Redskins. If you’re the Redskins, it fits perfectly with Dan Snyder’s “Hey! I’ve heard of that guy!”

player acquisition mandate.
Giants punter Jeff Feagles is set to announce his retirement after 22 years in the NFL. The team was expecting him to retire, so they drafted East Carolina
punter Matt Dodge in the seventh round. Dodge will compete for the job with former Australian Rules football player Jy Bond. Really. I’m not making that up.
I realize that if someone was going to make up a name of a stereotypical Autralian Rules football player, they would go with “Jy Bond.” But that’s his real name.


“I can’t get one phone call … I’ve said in the past that I hope our management and the owners can look past the fact that I am president of the PA. But right
now it’s not looking that way. I’m looking for a job.” — Kevin Mawae. The 39-year-old, Pro Bowl guard thinks he isn’t getting any job offers because he’s
president of the NFL Players Association. And I think he may be on to something. I’ve been president of the Halle Berry Fan Club for 10 years, and not once has she called me. It’s so rude.

“Is your mom a prostitute?” (paraphrased) — Jeff Ireland, Dolphins GM, to Dez Bryant in a pre-draft interview. NFLPA executive director DeMaurice Smith
said on Wednesday that NFL teams can’t cross the line when interviewing prospective draft picks. So asking “Is your mom a prostitute?” would obviously be well over the line. Whereas closer to that gray area would be something like: “So the NFLPA — that’s a completely powerless organization, huh?” ((ed: I have refrained from any comment about this mess because I feel “Jeff Ireland” has become a buzz-word that allows “pundits” to go off and fan the flames of a created <forthe most part> controversy. Remember the William Randolph Hearst quote about the skirmish between the US and Mexico that started up Teddy Roosevelt’s reputation as wellas the Spanish-American war–“You give me the pictures. I’ll  give you the war.”)

“I think it stinks. [College football] is becoming perilously close to losing the purity and amateurism that separates it from it’s pro counterpart.” —
Aaron Taylor, former Nebraska player and current CBS college football analyst, on the fact that teams with losing records could make bowl games now that there are 35 bowls, up from 33. There, there, Aaron. Nothing to worry about. College football is keeping the system in which a computer determines the national champion. It remains incredibly amateur.

“The important thing is we’re paying attention, we’re going to be strategic, we’re going to be thoughtful, but we’re not going to relinquish our role as one of the premier conferences.” — Mike Slive, SEC commissioner, on coming Big Ten expansion and the possibility of the SEC expanding. Slive didn’t comment on how he will soon be attacked by an angry mob of SEC fans because he used the modifier “one of.”


Major League Baseball told Rays manager Joe Maddon that he couldn’t wear a hoodie (and then reversed the ruling). This week Maddon got a personalized
Patriots hoodie in the mail from Bill Belichick. Oh, no. Belichick knows he is associated with hoodies. He has become self-aware. I think this is the point in the movie when the evil robot destroys us all. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

Detroit Lions head coach Jim Schwartz gets aroused by Jahvid Best highlights. It’s true. That’s what he told Michael Silver of Yahoo! Sports: “Some people watch adult videos on their computer. I go to YouTube and watch Jahvid Best highlight clips. That’s what gets ME going.” So here you go, everyone — an ESPN.com first. I’m linking to an “adult” video. Ooh, what are you wearing? A helmet and pads? Me likey.


Two Arkansas players were arrested this week for drug possession charges A campus police officer noticed the pair sitting in a parked car, smoke drifted out of the door when it was opened and a “plastic baggie of green leafy substance” was in plain view. Ridiculous. It’s like people can’t even burn their A-plus, end-of-semester Botany 101 project in celebration anymore.

Delone Carter, Syracuse’s leading rusher, has worked out a deal with the school that will allow him to return in the fall. He is still banned from campus during the spring and summer over an incident in which he allegedly punched another student. Wait a minute … don’t they play football in the fall? Huh. What a stroke of good luck for Carter and the Syracuse football team!
And that’s all for this category.

Apparently the Steelers and Oregon Ducks spent the last week planning stuff.


Bad news, Broncos fans: tackle Ryan Clady tore his left patellar tendon playing basketball and is out for three months. Wait — only three months? Everything I’ve read says that torn patellar tendons take much longer to heal. It’s almost as if the Broncos organization recently acquired someone with healing powers.
By the way, Tim Tebow’s jersey is the fastest-selling rookie jersey in NFL history. And in second place, I am just guessing, is a Broncos #15 jersey with the customized name “BALL AND JUICE” on the back.

So all the draft experts and analysts have weighed in with their grades on how every team did. But no one has reported yet how the teams themselves feel they did. So let me give you that information now.
Cardinals: A
Eagles: A
Broncos: A
Raiders: A
Seahawks: A
Cowboys: A
Ravens: A
Well, they’re all A’s. Great job, teams!”


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